Still here, still pregnant

    I realize (also, Joey just reminded me) that is has been quite a while since I gave an update. That's because for some reason I somehow got it into my head that I have too much time on my hands and volunteered myself for a couple of side projects (you know, other than teaching yoga, working on a PhD, putting in my GA hours and growing a kid). But the semester if finally starting to wrap up, so I figured I better check in.
    Quick side note- the next person who asks me if I'm "sick of being pregnant yet?" is getting at best a crude hand gesture. Why do people ask that question? If the answer was yes, what do you hope to have accomplished by bringing it to my attention? Yep, it sucks and I still have 6-10 more weeks to go! Thanks for reminding me! I have known some women who had some really rough pregnancies. I can't imagine that they a) had forgotten for one second how much they wanted to not be pregnant or b) enjoy hearing you reiterate the idea. I'm guessing a "you are doing such a good job with that baby!" or "he/she is going to be so healthy; you're body is so amazing to be creating something so awesome!" would be much more appreciated and constructive. If in fact the women is looking for a little commiseration, I'm guessing she'll start out the conversation with "oh my God, I'm so sick of being pregnant."
    And sorry to disappoint, but no, I'm not sick of being pregnant. This entire pregnancy has been a cake walk. I would say I love being pregnant, but it feels so normal at this point that it's almost unremarkable. I mean, I guess there are some symptoms or whatever that might bug some people- my feet and hands swell, I get leg cramps, my back aches when I sit for too long, heartburn, and the fact Raptor likes to play my ribs like a xylophone....But none of them really bother me that bad. If something comes up, I deal, and then go about the rest of my day. But I can see how if a person went into pregnancy thinking it was going to be horrible, or had people constantly telling her how horrible their pregnancy was, it might seem like a pain. But no, I figure this is probably one of the most amazing things I'll accomplish in my life, so the little quirks really don't bother me at all and I'm more than happy to keep going until Raptor decides the show is over.
   Which will bring us to the grande finale. That's another question I hear a lot..."are you getting nervous?" or "are you scared?" No way. Not even a little bit. And I'm not making it up. I'm getting a little anxious and excited but only because I want to meet this kid. He/she seems to have a pretty rad personality (seriously, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm looking at my belly or a rabid cat in a pillow case). But I'm also really looking forward to bringing this baby earthside. Once again, it will probably be up there on my list of top stuff I accomplish in this lifetime. My body is going to do some pretty amazing things and I can't wait to feel and experience all of them- even the parts that are uncomfortable.
     So that's all that is really going on now. Just wrapping up school and this whole "creating life" gig. Perhaps I will have more interesting things to say once the semester is officially done?

Required Reading

   I've been going back and forth about whether or not I would like to write a bunch of my own posts about these topics or whether I should just post a bunch of links. Obviously plan B won out. It's not that I'm lazy (not entirely anyway), but I am slightly busy. And while in some cases I may offer a unique perspective, there is really no reason for me to reinvent the wheel here. Most of what I would say has already been said by someone somewhere. So instead, I am providing you with a sampling of readings on topics which I find interesting and important. Before you dive in, there are a couple of quick points I'd like to make.

1. These are not the only sources of this information. We did not base our decisions off a few quirky blogs. I have put in countless (well, about two years worth) hours researching and reading about these topics for my own curiosity, my doula stuff, and planning our life with Raptor. These just happen to be some of my favorites because they sum up the topics well, provide unique insight, and/or have great links and citations for other sources.

2. Seriously, there is a ton of information out there. Go look. For real. Research everything. Look for scholarly peer reviewed sources to back it up. And for godssake, look outside the U.S., ok? European journals are great places to go.

3. Also, most of the blogs I'm pulling stuff from are pretty awesome. Seriously, check them out. They cover a lot of topics and have some really incredible perspectives.

4. Insert usual I'm-not-trying-to-be-preachy/judgmental/whatever-these-are-simply-our-choices disclaimer here.

I'll leave a comment or two for some of the articles as well as an introduction of why the topic is important to us. Otherwise you're on your own. I'll even put them in alphabetical order, all professional like.

Attachment Parenting-

     There is apparently a lot of misunderstanding about what attachment parenting is. It seems that people get caught up in different methods and forget basic point- responding to children in an empathetic and age appropriate way in order to create caring and well adjusted individuals. Anyway, here are some good basic overviews. 

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130107110538.htm

Breastfeeding-

     No explanation necessary.

http://www.cdph.ca.gov/programs/breastfeeding/Documents/MO-BF-Benefits.pdf

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/05/14/50-reasons-for-breastfeeding-anytime-anywhere/

http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/

http://www.lalecheleague.org/release/benefits.html

Circumcision-

     If it's a girl, she won't be circumsized. If it's a boy, he won't be circumsized. Genital integrity, bodily automony, and basic human rights are deserved by everyone. The is no medical justification for routine infant circumcision. Not a single medical organization in the word recommends it. But don't take my work for it, read on. The more you know, the more it turns your stomach. 

This one is probably the least technical, but it is one of my favorites because it is so straight-foward.

http://9davids.blogspot.com/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/11/case-against-circumcision.html

This is another excellent piece. It systematically breaks down the most common misconceptions. This link is just the first of six parts, but the others are linked at the bottom of this one. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201109/myths-about-circumcision-you-likely-believe

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html

Don't like reading? No problem. This video is fantastic. It's about 30 minutes long but totally worth it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ceht-3xu84I

Crying it out-

     There is a ridiculous amount of peer reviewed psychology and sociology research on this subject. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/

Discipline-

     Once again, a ton of research out there on this. Violence begets violence. Period.

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

Infant Sleep-

     In case you are wondering why we don't have a nursery or crib. 

http://www.evolutionaryparenting.com/sleep-a-misguided-and-unhealthy-obsession/

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/familybed.html

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/01/09/cosleeping-benefits/

The Birth Plan

     If I have talked to you about birth, I have probably told you to make a birth plan. While some doctors and nurses will scoff at the idea, informing them of your choices is really only half the point. Obviously, that part is very important. But in addition, creating a birth plan will force you to think through your options and make important decisions ahead of time instead of trying to process all of the information during the heat of the moment.
     Now, since we are having a home birth we don't necessarily need a birth plan. When you deliver at a hospital, the chances are pretty good that you will not have met any of the nurses or staff. You're actually pretty lucky if your doctor is the one delivering. So it is important to have a record of your requests that you can easily distribute to whoever walks into the room. But with a home birth, we know who is going to be there. It will be the same person we have had every appointment with. We will have gone over all of our wishes, options, and decisions and will all be on the same page.
    However, in the highly unlikely event that we need to transfer to a hospital, we want to have a birth plan ready so that we can still welcome our child into the world the way we intended. I include our plan below. If you have any questions or would like the information and research behind our decisions, feel free to comment below or contact me.

Roxanne and Joey Buckman’s Birth Information

     Hello! We have been married for 2 ½ years. We moved to Tucson less than a year ago to complete our PhDs at the University of Arizona and are so excited to be welcoming the newest member of our family. Thank you so much for taking care of us. Here a few things you might want to know:

•  We are having a natural birth. Please do not offer or attempt to administer any pain medication, IV fluids, or anesthesia. We will let you know if we need it.
• Our midwife, Lia, will be with us at all times and is crucial to my labor and delivery. 
• Please assume any refusal of procedures is for religious reasons.  This includes- all medications, vaginal checks, constant electronic fetal monitoring, etc.

In the event of a cesarean section:

• Do not administer any medication that is not compatible with breastfeeding.
• My husband and our midwife, Lia, will both be present.
• Please describe the surgery and lower the screen so that we can watch our baby’s birth
• Delay cord clamping as long as possible, at least until pulsing ceases.
• Place baby directly on mom’s chest or hand to the father. All routine tests and procedures can wait.
• Baby will stay with mother throughout recovery.

Hi, my name is Perrin or Leila! Please:

• Check with my parents before performing any routine tests or procedures.
• NO eye ointment, vitamin K (oral or injection), or hepatitis B vaccination.
• I need to be with one of my parents at all times. If I must be taken from my mother, dad will stay with me.
•  No baths please!
• I am breastfeeding. I need to be skin to skin with my mom ASAP.
• No bottles, pacifiers, sugar water, or formula.
• DO NOT CIRCUMCISE. Do not attempt to retract or manipulate my foreskin.

Whoooaaahhhhhh, We're Half-way There!!!!!!!

   We are half way! I am now 21 weeks. What is that you say? I have been half-way for a week already? Not quite. I hate the idea that 20 weeks if half way, because this is based on the idea of the 40 week "due date" which is ridiculous. The average women goes into labor at 41 weeks and 1 day. The baby isn't past due or "post dates" until after the 42nd week (which is still not a big deal, and don't even get me started on the inaccuracy of due dates). So why did doctors arbitrarily decide that at 40 weeks time is up? I have no idea. But it's not for me. So I am celebrating my halfway point at the more accurate 21 weeks. In commemoration of this event, here are some "highlights" from the past few months.

- The names are now decided. If it is a boy, his name will be Perrin Allen Buckman. If it is a girl, Leila June Buckman. If you are currently pregnant and due before me  and steal our names...I will find you.

- We felt the first movement at about 19 1/2 weeks. I had just gotten out of the bath and felt a really strong thump. I put my hand on my belly and could feel the next one from the outside. Joey and came in and got to feel two more good ones, which we were pretty excited about. We figured there would be a few weeks between me feeling it on the inside and anyone being able to feel it from the outside. Now I can feel him/her wiggle around and kick pretty regularly.

- We got registered for all of our baby stuff which was exciting but also kind of depressing. There is so much junk out there. Who needs half of that crap? Maybe we are just crazy minimalist hippies, but we don't have a lot of space and I don't want to fill our house up with plastic crap we'll never use. But we got all of the essentials and were even able to set up a registry on Amazon so we could include some of our crunchy stuff (yay for placenta encapsulation supplies!).

- I have gained a solid 16 pounds thus far. Joey likes to joke that the baby will be 10 lbs. with a 15 inch head. I don't find this funny.

- I still have one pair of jeans that I can actually button! Other than that, belly bands and yoga pants are life savers. I see the maternity section looming in my near future.

- There are a lot of topics I would like to write about, but this semester is going a little fast, so I might do a post soon with nothing but links to cool resources and posts written by others. Keep an eye out.

- We have nick-named the baby Raptor. This started as a joke. People would ask if we knew what it was, referring to the sex. So under my breath, I would say to Joey "Velociraptor!" which I'm pretty sure I saw on an Ecard somewhere. So we started referring to our unborn child as the velociraptor. But that is a mouth full, so now it's just Raptor. We're creative like that.

- We discovered pretty early on that I have a gestational gluten sensitivity. I was having frequent, persistent migraines throughout the first trimester. The midwife suggested going off of gluten, but it was right before Christmas so.....that wasn't going to happen. However, after having a headache every day of my Christmas break, I decided to go cold turkey with the wheat. And wow, I hardly ever get a bad headache now. And apparently that is not super uncommon, because our birth class instructor is having the same problem.

- Speaking of child birth classes, we started our Bradley classes a few weeks ago. If you aren't familiar with the Bradly method, you should check it out. It is one of the most thorough birthing classes available. Much more useful than those weekend hospital orientations classes.

Other than all that, there is isn't much to report on. It has been a pretty smooth ride. A little heart burn here and there, but other than that and the giant belly, I wouldn't know I was pregnant. Let's hope the second half goes just as smoothly!

Colors Are For Everyone, or "Will it make your penis fall off?"

           
              We realize that intentional gender neutral parenting is probably not very familiar to a lot of our friends and family. However, I have begun to notice that there might be some confusion about what exactly gender neutral parenting looks like. We have heard quite a few comments along the lines of “it’s so hard to shop for gender neutral things” and “it will be so much easier to pick stuff out once the baby gets here”. So the purpose of this post is to clear up any confusion. Feel free to ask questions if anything is still left unclear.

Gender 101

                People regularly misuse the word “gender”. Most of the time they actually mean sex. Sex is a biological category. Your sex is either male or female (or intersexed, in some cases, but we will stick to the basics). Sex is determined by your genitalia and/or chromosomes. You are male because you have a penis, testes, etc. and are XY. You are female because you have a vagina, uterus, etc. and are XX. Gender has nothing to do with biology.

 Gender is a social construction which in most cultures can be viewed as a spectrum ranging from masculine to feminine. By social construction, I mean gender is really not based on anything concrete. It is simply a compilation of attitudes and trends in a given society. Different societies define and value gender differently. For example, in Western civilization (i.e. us), masculinity is generally associated with power and strength while femininity is associated with emotions, communication, and nurturing. Masculinity is valued above femininity. This isn’t because it is the right way or “natural” (remember, there is nothing natural, given, or biological about gender, it is completely constructed), it is just because that is how our particular society developed. Others do things differently.

So we have determined gender is different than sex. Masculine does not equal male. Feminine does not equal female. Males can be masculine or feminine. Females can be masculine or feminine.  A lot of research and study in fields like anthropology and psychology have been conducted over the last 50 years concerning gender and sex. There is no link between the two. There is more variation between masculinity and femininity within sexes (between lots of men or lots women) than there is between the sexes (between men and women). This may seem counterintuitive. After all, when thinking about all the men and women you know, it’s probably easy to say that men do X and women do Y. Boys are rambunctious and girls are sweet. What most people don’t realize is that they are observing gender, not sex. These behaviors are taught and instilled in us by the society we live in (parents decorate the rooms, pick out the clothes, buy the toys- these choices made by the parents shape children’s preferences). We teach boys to be masculine and girls to be feminine. It has nothing to do with natural inclinations. When children are not pushed one way or the other, there is actually no difference between boys and girls.

Gender is not sex. It is also not sexual orientation. Your gender has nothing to do with what other genders or sexes you are attracted to. Masculine men may prefer men or women. Feminine men may prefer men or women. Same for women. So in review, sex is what is between your legs, sexual orientation is what you want to do with it, and gender is a social construction that guides your preferences and behaviors.

                Fun Fact: Prior to the World Wars, blue was actually the color for girls. It was calm and demure. Pink was reserved for boys because it was so robust and bright.

                Something to think about: For most of history, boys and girls were dressed the same (soft colors, ruffles, gowns) for most of their early years. By creating gender differences earlier, companies have expanded their markets.

So what does this have to do with parenting?

                In a lot of respects, children are a blank slate.  Each child is born with its own unique personality which if left alone would guide its behaviors and preferences. That leaves an enormously wide range of potential for emotional expression, interests, and everything else. We want that for our child. We don’t want to shape our child or force any preconceived expectations upon them. We don’t want to push them to do certain things or behave a certain way because it is what is expected of their sex.

                If this sounds weird or radical, just take a second to think about it. I think it comes easier in the context of girls. Thankfully a lot of women have worked very hard over the past century to expand our horizons. Whether my parents did it intentionally or not, I was raised pretty much gender neutral. My nursery was blue, as were a lot of my clothes (the hyper- pink/blue dichotomy is relatively new and in fact, simply a marketing ploy. If you say boys wear blue, girls wear pink, and then only make products in those two colors, you have a 50% chance of your customer needing to re-buy everything the next time around…but I digress). I had dinosaurs, Barbies, ligthsabers, Nerf guns, Polly Pockets, etc. I was never told that “that’s for boys” or I couldn’t do something. My parents didn’t want to limit me. But unfortunately this seems to come more difficultly to parents of boys. The same parents who don’t bat and eyelash at their daughter wearing blue or playing with trucks may flip out when their son tries on a dress or asks to take ballet. Or play with dolls or play kitchen. Because God forbid your son grow up to be…you know…a dad or know how to make a sandwich.

                The goal of gender neutral parenting is to remove these barriers so that the child can be led by their own personality. Gender neutral parenting isn’t about avoiding blue or pink and only buying yellow and green. Gender neutral does not mean androgynous. It has nothing to do with the actual objects/choices involved. It has everything to do with creating an open attitude about the fact that gender and sex are not equal and dichotomous and therefore allowing your child to develop his or her own gender regardless of their sex.  Gender neutral parenting is about all the colors (colors are for everybody). Gender neutral parenting is about providing blue AND pink, and all the other colors, as well as all types of toys, hobbies, and interest then following the child’s lead as to what he or she likes. Everything is gender neutral.

If this is still confusing, here are some helpful questions to ask yourself when trying to determine whether or not something is gender neutral (appropriate for both sexes):

-       -Does this object/clothing/hobby require a penis/vagina/other sexual organs to use appropriately?

If the answer is yes (an athletic cup perhaps?), then you might take the child’s sex into account. 

If the answer is no (toys, dolls, music, colors, extracurricular activities, etc.) it doesn’t matter and can be used by both sexes.

-    -Will this object/clothing/hobby cause the penis/vagina/ other sexual organs to shrivel, rot or fall off? If the answer is yes…well that just sounds dangerous and I’m not sure I can recommend that choice for anyone.

If the answer is no, congratulations! It’s gender neutral.

Ways you probably gender children without realizing it

                Maybe this doesn’t seem crazy to you. Maybe this seems pretty simple. But regardless, we all have a tendency to gender children and most of the time we don’t even realize it.

                We call girls with masculine traits “tom boys” and use other similar terms. Girls are just girls. They like all kinds of different things. Same for boys. Just because a child doesn’t like something that we associate with their sex or likes something different doesn’t mean they are abnormal or need  be labeled.

                We call things “girl stuff” or “boy stuff”. If a girl likes action figures, by definition they can be girl things. If a boy likes dolls, they are boy things. But let’s just make it simple. Toys, colors, etc. are for everybody that likes them. End of story.

                We steer our boys towards the blue side of the store and girls towards the pink side. Heck, we don’t even question why stores have two sides in the first place.

                When a child does something stereotypically associated with their sex, we say “oh, he’s all boy” or “she’s such a girly-girl.”

                I can go on forever. The point is, these subtle words and attitudes shape how we treat each other and how our children view themselves. The point of gender neutral parenting is to become aware of these things so that we can give our children room to develop to their full potential.

Questions and Concerns

This has been a pretty basic overview of the concept and gender in general. By all means, seek out more information. I have included some great links at the bottom of this post. But in closing, I will bring up a few common (or at least common to me) responses or questions about gender neutral parenting.

-Won’t that make your child gay? (As if this that is the worst thing that could ever happen) We have already determined gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

-Will that create an identity crisis? My question to that is, is your identity really that tied up in your gender? By taking the focus off of gender, you are allowing your children to develop themselves in other ways, maybe even discover something about themselves they would have otherwise been kept from.

-If this is how things are, doesn’t that make it right? There are many things that were once the status quo (slavery?). That doesn’t make them right. Isn’t it everyone’s hope for the children that they have more opportunities and a better world than the generation before them?

-You’re just asking for your kid to get bullied. This is one of my pet peeves, because I hear this statement in response to a lot of things. This is straight up victim blaming. If my kid gets bullied, it’s his fault for XY or Z or my fault for allowing him to do it. Newsflash- it is not my kid’s job (or my job) to make my kid bully-proof. If my child has big ears, should he get plastic surgery? What about a speech impediment? I understand that these aren’t choices, but the implications are still the same. No, it is YOUR (a general “your”, nothing personal) job to not be an asshole. Will my kid encounter general meanness in his or her life? Of course. But that doesn’t mean he/she has to accept it or that the onus is on them to prevent it. They can do everything in their power to make themselves as socially acceptable as possible and people will still be jerks.

-How will they learn their role in society? I would love to think that we are the sole influence on our children (well, maybe, that's probably actually a little scary and too much power), but I know that is not the case. We get a pretty important role in the early years, but by two years old, children's peer relationships begin to take an increasingly important role in their lives in proportion to caregivers. Society will get to our children, I promise. They will go to school. They will meet strangers in stores. They will be exposed to media and commercialism. The idea is not to prevent these things entirely. The idea is to give our kids a safe place in our home to go against these things if that is their desire and to give some balance to the messages they will receive.

                In conclusion, if it won’t make your penis or vagina fall off, it’s fine to buy for our kids no matter what their sex. They will have all types of colors, clothing styles, and toys so that they can decide what they like. So next time you hesitate getting something for a child, just remember- everything is gender neutral and colors are for everybody.

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2012/05/27/4-ways-parents-can-help-break-down-societys-gender-assumptions//

http://www.theconnectedmom.com/2012/02/raising-pink-boy_16.html

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/let-him-play-with-dolls/