The Breastest Post

   *I had big plans for this post. It was supposed to be chock full of links and outside information. I was working on those links for two days...then the cite crashed and I lost it all. I just don't have the energy to do it again. So if you have any questions or want more info, either message me or, you know, Google. Typing with one hand is a bitch.

Ugh use a cover, whore!

  I have limited time when I have two hands free, so I'm going to have to condense three different posts into one. Luckily, all three are about boobs. Or breasts. Tits. Jugs. Cans. Hooters. Knockers. Fun Bags. Chesticles.  Whatever you like to call them.

Breastfeeding

  Let's begin with a recap since some of you probably remember my last mammary-related post. Breastfeeding has gotten so much easier. The clouds have parted and the sun is shining just like everyone said it would. But it wasn't easy. I now completely understand why so many women either don't attempt to breastfeed or don't do so for very long. The odds just aren't in their favor. I did everything *right* before hand. I avoided all the booby traps. Lots of research before hand. Unmedicated labor. Immediate skin to skin. No artificial nipples. No circumcision. Feeding on demand. You name it, I did it. And I still had SO MUCH TROUBLE. We had a bad latch. Perrin is an uncoordinated nurser. My nipples blistered and bled. I was missing a chunk out of one of  them. I had to pump on the bad side and nurse on the good side so the chunk could heal. But the "good side" didn't produce enough to pull double duty, so I had to use an SNS with the pumped milk from the other side. At night I would wake up, heat up the pump milked and set up the SNS, nurse Perrin (which took about an hour at the time because he was the World's Slowest Nurser) then pump the other side, then go to bed and do it all over again in an hour. But then the "good side" was damaged from all the extra abuse, so I switched. Both times I had to pump, I got mastitis. Three days of fever, chills, cold sweats, and pain. He wouldn't cup feed, or finger feed. I wouldn't risk a bottle and nipple confusion. We saw two lactation consultants, a pediatrician, and our midwife. Cranio-sacral and chiropractic treatments.
   Finally, it started to "click" for us. His latch hurt a little less. But I could only get him to latch with me sitting up leaning over him. My back was so sore. Joey and I had to both get up for every feed (which was about every hour and half at night) and arrange the pillows just right. He would comfort nurse a lot, sometimes all day. I would be stuck on the couch for hours on end. It seemed like each  hour lasted a day and half. But you know what? He comfort nurses less now. His feeding sessions have spaced out. He sometimes goes 5 hours at a time at night. We are finally in our groove. I can fix almost any of his problems with nothing but my own body. He can nurse lying down now, which means I barely wake up for night feedings. And because I had to nurse exclusively on one side so many times and he was at the breast so often, I have an amazing supply. Oversupply comes with some of it's own unique issues, but it is not that bad. I pump every morning now. I have a nice stash in our freezer for Perrin and I've also been able to start donating. Which brings me to my next topic...

Milksharing

   There is a hierarchy of feeding for babies. The first and most beneficial method of feeding is to be breastfed by the mother, straight from the tap. The contact of the infant with the mother's nipple provides a unique give and take relationship that creates a customized source of nutrition. The second best method is for the baby to get the mother's expressed milk, i.e. from pumping. Third is for the baby to receive the breastmilk of another woman. And last- formula. There are lots of ways to donate milk, including formal milk banks. I'm glad we have these. They are important for many reasons, including the use by hospitals for babies that don't have access to breast milk otherwise. But I have noticed that many moms don't know about milk banks. Or don't have one near by. Or can't afford to get milk from them. It is for this reason that I chose to donate through informal milk sharing. Basically, I have extra milk and some mom might not have enough, so why wouldn't it make sense for me to give her some of mine? This (in addition to wet nursing) is how babies have been kept alive for millenia even when their mother's couldn't produce enough milk.
  I chose to do this because it's easy to say "breast is best" (thought this statement is problematic for other reasons), but in reality it can be incredibly hard. A woman shouldn't have to result to formula. Let me be clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong if a woman chooses to give formula to her baby. But that should be an actual choice- not a lack of options. So I want to make breastmilk available for free to women who would like to have it. I don't care why the woman doesn't have breastmilk of her own. Maybe she had breast surgery. Maybe she has insufficient tissue. Maybe she was the victim of booby traps that decimated her supply. Maybe her work doesn't let her pump regularly. Or maybe she just doesn't want to. I don't really care. It's about nutrition for the baby, not the mother's personal choices.

NIP (Nursing in Public)

   The final topic I want to address is nursing in public. This topic seems to get a lot of press. There is always some news story about some celebrity who was spotted breastfeeding, or some store that told a nursing mother to stop, and then everyone wants to give their two cents about why they do or do not approve. Those who don't have litany of reasons why woman shouldn't nurse anywhere where others can see them. To those people, all I have to say is...
   I could explain to you that babies need to eat, and sometimes this occurs while their mothers are out doing things.
   I could explain about the importance of breastfeeding on demand.
   I could tell you how difficult it is to pump and lug around milk and bottles and icepacks and what not.
   I could give you information on the importance of normalizing breastfeeding and combating the hypersexualization of the female body.
   I could explain that breastfeeding is not at all like urinating or having sex.
   I could tell you that modesty is incredibly subjective.
   I could point out that you don't have a problem with the countless advertisements and women in revealing outfits who are showing just as much skin as a nursing mother.
   I could point out that I see people doing stuff I don't particularly like all the time in public, but I don't get to tell them to leave whatever place they are in.
  I could also explain that you are capable of turning your head in any direction and no one is forcing you to stare at a breastfeeding mother.

  But I'm not going to waste my breath. Because at the end of the day, I don't really care what you think. I would prefer you not harass mothers feeding their babies because that can be damaging to their overall breastfeeding relationship, but the fact of the matter is your opinion is meaningless. A woman's right to breastfeed in public is protected by law in almost every single state. Your objections are irrelevant.

So there you have it. All of my thoughts on breasts.

The Low Bar of Fatherhood

   This post will probably be all over the place and slightly incoherent simply because there are so many related topics all wound up together that I'm not sure how to cover everything in an orderly fashion.
   Let's begin with the basics. Patriarchy sucks. And one of the most poignant examples of the insidious nature of patriarchy is the often heard statement "I'm not a feminist because I like men/don't hate men/don't think women are better than men, etc." This perpetrates a straw-person version of feminism that undermines and delegitimizes the actual idea. Are there some self-proclaimed feminists that think men are scum? Yeah, of course. There are also non-feminists who think men are scum. That's like saying because there are some self-identified Christians that are also racist bigots, all Christians are racist bigots or being a racist bigot is an integral part of Christianity. At the end of the day, feminism is about equality for both genders- women AND men. Feminism is as important for masculinity as it is for femininity. So, with that being established, being a parent has definitely made certain aspects of our patriarchal system more apparent. There is the obvious restriction of women's birth and reproductive rights as well as the restrictive and hypergendered views of motherhood. But what is also interesting is the way in which fathers get screwed.
   There are two basic depictions of fatherhood in our culture. We'll call them "Superdad" and "The Blithering Idiot". Superdad is the man who, despite having a penis, still makes a decent parent. And apparently this is noteworthy. This is the idea behind "mom porn" which is generally depictions of attractive male celebrities taking part in childrearing activities like babywearing. Or why our Mom Parent and Baby group leader nearly fell over herself trying to tell Joey how glad she was to have him (the only male) there. Seriously, the group description says "open to fathers" but they call it Mom and Baby? This depiction of father's idolizes men for being parents. Now, I'm not hating on fathers. Being a parent is incredibly hard and deserves recognition- much more than it currently gets. But that is the problem- this isn't about parenting, it's about fathering. A woman doing any of these things goes completely under the radar, because of course a woman takes care of her child (even though there are plenty who don't). But a father taking care of his child apparently deserves a medal. Once again, I'm not hating on dads. They deserve all the praise they get. The point is, so do mothers. There is something odd when a dad taking care of his kid is referred to as "babysitting". Or when single fathers are idolized as martyrs while single mothers are labeled as irresponsible welfare queens. As well intentioned as the "Superdad" idea may seem, when we really get down to it, it's incredibly insulting. Imagine if at your work place, every time you attended a mandatory staff meeting, your boss singled you out and congratulated you on making it to the meeting and how proud he was that you made it there and were present. You'd feel like an idiot, am I right? Like somehow it was extraordinary that you were able to find your way out of your own cubicle. That's kind of what we are saying when we act like dads walk on water for doing what mom's do every. single. day. without mention.
   Which brings us to the blithering idiot. This is more obvious. This is the punch line of countless sitcoms. The mom goes on vacation, or to a friends house, and everything falls apart without her there and the whole is episode is a mad scramble to fix everything before she returns. Or this Huggies commercial that claims dads are the ultimate test of ineptitude. Or this car commercial that claims the first role fathers play in pregnancy, birth, and infanthood is buckling the kid in the friggin' careseat. Not only are dads completely incapable of caring for their children, but it's not seen as bad. It's hilarious, because what did you think would happen? Obviously only people with vaginas are capable of raising kids!
   Then of course, there is the melding of these two. We'll call it the Super-idiot. Think Three Men and a Baby, Mrs. Doubtfire, Big Daddy. The male character starts out as any penis-baring individual would- completely clueless when it comes to children and domestic work. But over the course of the overused plot line, he endures some kind of transformation where it turns out he actual is a good dad...better than good...he's a great dad! Because A) he still has a penis, and B) the child(ren) are still breathing. Those are apparently the only qualifications. Now, we can go deeper with these plotlines and make some connections to the journey that every parent faces as they set aside their selfish, youthful ways for the good of the child and their family and come through a process of growth and self-reflection. But once again, these are rarely stories of parenthood. It is almost always fathers who are depicted. Because women as capable mothers is apparently a given.
  So all in all, we are left with some troubling repercussions for all parents and for families in general. These ideas lead to:

• De facto custody for mothers over fathers
• Pretty much non-existent paternity leave in the wake of already crappy maternity policies
• Social and professional stigma for those who do take paternity leave
• A complete disregard for non-traditional families, such as same sex couples. 
• A lack of support for struggling mothers (because they are supposed to just pick it up "naturally")
• A lack of support for struggling fathers (because everyone assumes they aren't really involved)
• Societal acceptance of poor fathering
• Societal apathy towards good mothering
• Child-related services aimed at mothers (Mom & Baby classes, Mother's Day Out, etc.) at the risk of excluding involved and present parents who happen to have a penis.

    And it sucks, because this creates an environment that perpetuates these ideas whether the individuals want to or not. Like dads who would LOVE to stay home with the newborn, but can't because their workplace doesn't offer leave. And in turn, these ideas are being passed down to the next generation, because the children are observing the fact that dad goes to work and mom takes them to the park. Luckily, some aspects of this are getting better. But as long as the "Superdad" and "Blithering Idiot" figures are go-to characters in our culture and media, it's going to be really hard to represent the "Father" figure.

 

At least we don't have yellow wallpaper...

 

 If you're missing the Charlotte Perkins Gilman reference, we can't be friends anymore. Go read some decent American-feminist literature and get back to me.

   I have a wicked case of post-partum depression. It's getting better (obviously I'm coherent enough to write this). I basically have done nothing except nurse the baby and sit. I had absolutely no appetite to eat anything, so I lost a ridiculous amount of weight and had no energy (in addition to being sleep deprived in general). I cried throughout the day. If Perrin started crying, I shut down completely. I couldn't do anything except stare at him. Joey would take him and calm him down. Joey changed his diapers, and held him, and basically did everything aside from nurse. He brought me whatever food I did eat, and my vitamins. He called psych counselors and lactation consultants and basically anyone who could help. I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I hated everything- especially the baby. The baby was nothing to me except pain. I knew, in my head, that it he wasn't being mean on purpose and that he is just a baby...but there were times when I could swear he was trying to inflict as much pain on me as humanly possible. It's a strange feeling to be so sad and so angry and then to feel guilty for feeling those emotions.
  I really don't know what else to say except that things got bad. I never wanted to hurt the baby, but Perrin and I coexisting didn't seem to be working out. One of us had to go, and I was the adult (sort of), so it seemed like it had to be me. I needed to go away- back to Memphis, somewhere else, I don't know...something had to give. Finally I wasn't able to handle it anymore. Joey stepped in and insisted I get help. He called our midwife and found some local PPD resources.
  I started seeing a counselor and she (as well as our midwife) agreed that fixing the breastfeeding relationship ASAP was key. The pain was driving a lot of my resentment towards Perrin. They brought up the possibility of me pumping and bottle feeding to eliminate the stress of nursing, but I refused for two reasons. First, I wasn't quite desperate enough to risk our future nursing relationship just yet. Second, and most importantly, nursing was all I had. That was my only interaction with Perrin. I did it because I absolutely had to. If we introduced bottles and Joey could feed him...I knew I wouldn't look at Perrin again. So I hung on to our nursing relationship and Joey called every lactation specialist in the state he could find until we started making progress. Now nursing is almost pain free.The counselor also stated she thought I was scared to interact with Perrin and that was one of the reasons I would just shut down. She suggested attending some Mom and Baby classes to get some tips and help on interacting with my baby. Joey and I now attend a Parent and Baby class on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
   Our midwife assigned me some homework as well. The first was eating and sleeping more, for obvious reasons. She also stressed my need for socialization. We don't really have many close friends in Tucson, and definitely not lots of kid experience. We don't have a tribe. So my midwife put in contact with some like-minded parents near by. We have had two social get-togethers this week.
  So things are slowly getting better. It is still ridiculously hard. I'm living off of gluten-free Oreos and Lucky Charms. Our house is a wreck and completely filthy. Every ounce of our energy is going towards just surviving until tomorrow..but it's getting better.

  So to those people who are offended by my experience- the people who tell me I should think of all the childless couples in the world and appreciate my baby more and get over the "difficulties of motherhood" (their condescending quotation marks, not mine)- Screw you. I'm in enough of a mental hell with plenty of guilt all by myself, I don't need your baggage. If I could snap my fingers make it all pretty, I would do it in a heartbeat. But guess what, I can't. It hurts and it's hard and I don't know what to do except work my way through it. So I can either pretend this isn't happening, or I can be honest and maybe help someone else out there know they aren't the only one. I saw another mom at one of our groups- she looked exactly how I felt. But we were both there and both dealing, and we will both be okay. So if I ever hear a person tell another PPD woman to just get over it and be happy with her baby, I'm going to punch them in face, ahimsa be damned.
 

My Baby is Kind of an A$$hole...

    I got a lot of great feedback from the breastfeeding post. Apparently, most people get it. They experienced it and they can commiserate. So, at the risk of sounding like I just like to bitch constantly (which is probably pretty true at the moment), I thought I'd go a little farther out on that same limb. Call CPS on me if you want. At this point it just sounds a lot like free babysitting. I'm going to be honest with people and share another little "gem" that I think rings true for most people but that just doesn't get talked about- I don't like my baby.

   There. I said it. I don't really like the kid. Not yet. I assumed birth would be this magic moment and I would get that rush of oxytocin and fall in love. I would spend hours staring at him and nuzzling his head and kissing his little face. And then he was born, which was cool because this tiny person came out of my vagina, but nothing really happened. Nothing clicked. And now, almost 3 weeks later, I still have this little person hanging around.
   Don't get me wrong, for a baby he is pretty cool. We are finally getting this nursing thing down so he is sleeping better and for 2-3 hour stretches now. He only fusses when he is hungry for the most part (he just happens to be hungry all. the. damn. time.) Overall he is pretty easy going...for a baby.   It's the baby part that's the hang up. Babies are kind of assholes. They scream at you, drink too much, puke everywhere, then pass out- like a really shitty college roommate.  He'll fall asleep at the boob, lose the nipple, then get pissed at ME because suddenly the milk is gone. Or start thrashing around with my nipple in his mouth. Or kick the living crap out of me while nursing. Or claw me with those godforsaken razor blades they call fingernails. He doesn't do anything fun or interesting yet. He smiles really cute sometimes...but usually that means he's about to shit his pants. Right now, he's just a demanding little bottomless pit. And he smells bad. Like milk and sweat (both of which are probably mine, but whatever. I KNOW I smell bad).
   Now, I know he doesn't do any of this stuff on purpose. It's just the baby thing. But that hasn't stopped me from looking up one-way plane tickets. Or fantasizing about driving off into the sunset. Or threatening to let him starve on multiple occasions. Or begging Joey to let me put him up for adoption. Honestly, the thing holding me back is usually that I will miss Joey too much. And that then he'd have to eat shitty formula (food is kind of my 'thing'). So I stay and nurse him. And then he falls asleep and looks all adorable and I figure, I can probably do this after all. And I know it will get better. It's just that...I don't really know this person yet. And save the "what did you expect/ you got yourself into this" bullshit. Yeah, I know. I knew babies would be kind of a time suck. But I don't think it's really possible to KNOW until you have one. Or at least not with the way most people talk about it. So I'm sure we will get to know each other better and then it will be all soul-gazing and fireworks. But right now he's rooting on Joey's chest, which means I'm up to bat, and I really just want to go hide in the closet.

*He really is a pretty cool baby. It's not his fault we aren't hitting it off right off the bat. It's just a mixture of a lot of things- like breastfeeding trouble, lack of sleep, and a loss of autonomy. We are just going through an adjustment period right now. But Joey is taking great care of us, and I know it's getting better. But don't think you're weird if you don't fall head over heels in love with your baby immediately. You're not. Babies are just assholes sometimes.

I ate my placenta.

*This post contains graphic images that may gross some people out. So, if blood and stuff bothers you or you are eating or something...be forewarned.

     This is a post about placenta consumption. I consumed (or rather am in the process of consuming) my placenta. If you are not familiar with the placenta, I suggest you do some googling. It's pretty rad. My body made an entire organ for the purpose of nourishing Perrin in utero that is then expelled after birth. Most mammals eat the placenta after their offspring are born. It's how they "cut the cord" so to speak. For humans, we have developed lots of different ways of  dealing with the placenta after birth. Some people opt for a lotus birth where the placenta is left attached to the baby until it detaches naturally. Some people bury the placenta, either by itself or with a young tree to commemorate the beginning of a new life. Then there is always the biohazard bag and trashcan approach. But for many, many cultures consuming the placenta has been a normal part of childbirth, and there is good reason for it.
   For starters, it is chock full of vitamins and minerals (such as iron) that are super important for the mother's health postpartum. It is also full of hormones- hormones produced by the mother's body. It's basically tailor made hormone replacement therapy. These hormones have many important properties, including helping the uterus to return to it's normal size post-partum. That's why a great way to stop post-partum bleeding is to eat a piece of the placenta (unless of course, your placenta is half way stuck inside you and the cause of the bleeding...). The hormones also help with mood regulation and with milk production.
   In most of these cultures, the placenta is eaten raw or prepared as a special meal for the mother. But now there are many modern takes on placenta consumption, including placenta smoothies and placenta encapsulation. We chose to go the encapsulation route. Below is how we did it.

   First, you start with the placenta. After it was checked over by the midwives, Lia put ours in the freezer for us. I meant to get to it sooner, but ended up not being able to start the encapsulation process until day 4. Here is the placenta as Lia left it, once we thawed it out and rinsed it off. Sorry about our colander being red- I know it's not the best for contrast.

Here are the membranes, or the amniotic sac. This is what contained Perrin while he was inside.

And here is the umbilical cord. His was pretty long. 

So first we removed the membranes and the umbilical cord. I just used our kitchen shears. Then we moved to the cutting board. Here is a good pic of the maternal side. This is the part of the placenta that was attached to my uterus. This is what caused problems- a few of the nodes didn't detach properly. 

Here is the fetal side. This part was enclosed in the membranes. You can see the stump where the umbilical cord was attached. 

We basically just sliced it up into thin strips. Those strips went onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and into the oven on low heat for few hours to dehydrate. Just like making jerky...

Once it was done, we let it cool then threw it into the food processor. After processing it, I noticed it still looked a little meaty in some spots, so I threw the placenta-meal back into the oven for a little longer to make sure all the moisture was gone. I processed it again to get it as fine as possible.
Here is part of it. It made a lot more, but I didn't think to snag a picture until we were already into production.

So then it was simple. We used a encapsulation machine to fill up empty pill capsules with the powder. 

And voila! We have placenta pills! 

So there you have it. Even if you are pretty squeamish, you have to admit those are fairly benign. So yeah, not only did my body make a person, but it also made me super vitamins. It's pretty cool. Now I just pop a couple of these a few times a day.

And in case my instructions didn't make sense, here are the two blogs I consulted:

http://www.alternative-mama.com/placenta-encapsulation/

http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/1577334/Placenta_Encapsulation_Instructions_w_Pictures

Breastfeeding Sucks

    Seriously. It sucks. I hate it. I would rather labor and birth the baby 3 more times than breastfeed. It's a million times harder than natural childbirth. It sucks. I haven't slept more than two hours at a time in over 2 weeks. And you know what really has me miffed? No one told me. No one told me how bad it was going to suck. Maybe everyone is just scared that the truth will put people off of breastfeeding. I have to admit, that thought did cross my mind. But I have more faith in you than that. I know that you will realize as much as it sucks, it is still completely worth it. That a little suckiness on the front end is nothing compared to the ease and convenience and enjoyment down the road. But right now, I'm still in sucky-McFuck-this-land. (*Note, if swearing offends you, don't read this post. I'm sorry, but go put your nipple up against a door jam and slam the door a couple of times and tell me you don't let a couple choice words eek out.) So here are things no one told me, but I am telling you, so that you can be prepared.

    No one told me that "nipple soreness" was code for blistered, bleeding nipples that make you want to claw your eyes out. A stubbed toe gets sore. Nursing nipples is a whole other circle of hell.
No one told me that my baby would suddenly become a black belt in judo when it was time to latch on and that it would take three people to position him just enough for me to cram my nipple into his  mouth. Or that he was given a bear trap for a jaw that clamps shut as soon as the tip of my nipple crosses his lips. Or that engorgement feels like someone filled your boobs with hot gravel. Or that someone with no teeth could somehow manage to take a chunk of skin off.
   No one told me that all newborns do is eat, which sucks because it hurts like hell, and sleep, which sucks because you spend the entire time dreading when they will wake up and want to eat again. No one told me I wouldn't even enjoy my baby at first because right now he's just a little bundle of pain and suffering. Or that walking out into traffic actually seems like a good idea at 1:30 a.m. when you have been nursing for an hour and a half straight.
  No one told me that nursing in public for the first time would result in my infant suddenly forgetting what a nipple is for and a particularly forceful letdown that culminated in my hosing Perrin in the face and soaking my shirt while some $5 haircut place lady comes over to quiz me on his birth stats. Or that I would give up on going anywhere or doing anything because it's just to much work to put on a shirt (not to mention painful).
  No one told me that even when he does finally fall asleep, you are still trapped because there is no way you are going to move him now. He might wake up ...and then eat. You can't take that chance. So you spend 22 hours of your day with a infant on you who's body temperature is somewhere between  lava and a supernova (just to guesstimate).

   Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe no one told me these things because no one else experienced them. Maybe it's just me. Perhaps you wake up in the morning after a restful night, pop a baby on your boob and suddenly woodland animals are singing at your window sill like you're some goddamn lactating Snow White. But I doubt it. You know what I think really happens? I think everyone just forgets the suckiness, because you know what people did tell me?
   They told me how amazing it was to be able to provide for their baby. To give them the absolute best. They told me all of their funny stories about nursing and their awkward moments. About how it was hard (understatement of the century) but so, so worth it. About the emotions of weaning and how much they missed that relationship. So even though it sucks right now, I know soon I won't even remember. I'll be too busy relishing in the fact that I can leave the house with just a spare diaper. Or cure any tantrum or boo boo. Or feed my baby without waking up at night (I'm really looking forward to that part). I'm thankful my body can produce what my baby needs and I don't have to pay for donor milk, and I'm in awe that my body can not only grow a person but sustain him topside. So yeah, breastfeeding sucks. For now. But I have feeling it will be worth it. Unless of course that is another big lie that everyone has told me...in which case heads will roll.

The Birth Story

                Wow, do I have a birth story to tell. It will be long. Some parts are a little fuzzy but I will spare no details that I can remember. Unfortunately we didn’t get many pictures or videos like we had hoped, so you’ll at least be spared any graphic images. I guess I start with the very beginning…

I Dreamed a Dream

                Monday morning we had our Bradley class review. When we left, I told Joey that I felt better and much more confident about the baby coming. That night, I went to bed and spent most of the night dreaming I was in labor. When I woke up during the night, I noticed I was cramping quite a bit. Tuesday morning was my prenatal appointment. I told Lia (our midwife) about everything and asked her to check me to see if things were actually getting started. Whatta you know, I was at 2 centimeters. She agreed this was probably prelabor and thought the baby would likely come in the next week or so. We chatted about the fact that I was installing an icemaker and had been struggling with finding a last part. She joked that once I finished I would probably go into labor. Well lo and behold we went to Ace Hardware that afternoon and got the right part installed. By 6:00 p.m. I was having minute long contractions every 5 minutes. I called Lia and gave her a heads up. She suggested we try to rest as much as possible that night and she would check in in the morning. I was able to sleep in between contractions for about 6 hours. I got up a little after 5 and took Fender on a nice morning walk. The contractions had slowed but started to pick back up throughout the day. Joey and I tried to go to the pool, but it was too busy. We made a last minute grocery run and he went to a physical therapy appointment, set up the birth pool and other supplies, then Lia came over late that afternoon. She checked me and I was at 4 centimeters. She asked if I would like to try and rest one more night or keep going. I was a little disappointed that the birth wasn’t as imminent as I thought, but thankful for a chance to get some more rest. So we agreed that we would go to bed and call her when we needed her. I sent Joey out for a bottle of wine to help me get some rest and managed to eek out a few more hours of sleep that night. The next morning I woke up with pretty steady contractions and called Lia. She came over and explained that another one of their patients was starting labor. My baby was coming a little early and the other woman’s was running late, so we kind of met in the middle apparently. Sharon, our other attending midwife, would be with the other woman and Lia would stay with us which meant she would have to call another person to assist whom we had never met. I wasn’t too worried about it though. All of the birth attendants I had met in the area were spectacular. She sent us off to get a smoothie and walk some stairs on the University Campus. While we were out, we also made a stop at the chiropractor to make sure everything was in place and good to go. Lia mentioned that I seemed to labor best on my own in our bedroom, so she offered to go over to a friend’s house nearby and let us do our thing. We labored like that for a while, then decided to go walk the aisles at Home Depot to see if we could get things moving. The contractions were still coming pretty steadily, so we grabbed some fries from In-N-Out and headed back to the house to meet back up with Lia. She gave me some herbs for energy and to help labor out and I got in the birth pool for a bit and tried some different positions. Being on my knees leaning over the side of the tub seemed to work really well. Joey got in with me for a while and helped me squat and try some other things. Soon my feet were pretty pruny and I needed a break from the water, so we started going through all of our labor positions we had learned in our Bradley classes. Lia got word that the other woman had her baby, so Sharon and her assistant would be joining us again shortly. Unfortunately by the time they got there, things had slowed back down.

Fool Me Twice…

                Lia checked me and I was at 9 cm. Generally this is transition for most people, but I was still having to be very deliberate about bringing on the contractions. It looked like we were going to close out another day sans baby. The good thing was I was getting one more chance for rest. We agreed to take this opportunity. The team offered to sleep over in case we needed them, but I seemed to do best with some privacy so they just went home and let us be. Once they left I started crying. I felt bad that this was dragging on for everyone and that I must be doing something wrong. Lia had assured me that everything was fine and my body was just giving me a slow, compassionate labor but I still felt bad that my labor wasn’t going like everyone else’s usually did. My vitals and my babies had been doing great the entire time though, and I knew there was nothing to do but keep going. I took a shower and laid down. We were only able to make it until about 4 a.m. before sleep was no longer an option. The whole team reassembled once more. Joey and I took Fender on a walk around the neighborhood and I started laboring in the pool. My contractions were more steady now and my surroundings didn’t seem to matter as much. The team went to grab breakfast for everyone. By 8 a.m., at 9 cm dilated, I was laboring in my birth pool eating a giant breakfast burrito. By noon, it was clear we still had a little while. I opted for a industrial strength enema in case some bowel blockage was slowing things up, but it didn’t seem to help much. We went back to campus for more stairs while the birth team went home to rest. Lia met us back at the house when we were finished, but the assistant had to leave for good for a pre-planned trip and our other midwife was still resting at her son’s house nearby, since this was her second delivery in two days. I was still stuck at 9 cm. We tried everything. All the positions we knew. We hung a rope out on our porch I hung onto it, I tried side lying, I got in the pool, the shower, you name it. More herbs and teas and me trying to force down some food to keep my energy up. The other midwife joined back up with us, and that’s when Lia got serious. She said we needed to get serious about getting this baby out. I didn’t understand at the time; I still felt fine and the baby and I were doing great, but I was more exhausted than I realized. Lia was worried I wouldn’t have the strength left to get the baby out. Contractions were too close together for anymore rest. I had to have this baby with whatever stores I had left.

Let’s Get Down to Business

                Lia checked me again (she said she has never done so many checks in a labor before). I was complete except for a cervical lip. She suggested moving to the bed and I could try to push the baby past it while she held it back. While she was working with the lip, my water broke. Perfect, crystal clear water! Baby was still doing just fine. We thought maybe things would pick up now. The contractions were still coming, but the lip was still in the way and baby wasn’t moving down. Lia suggested we try the McRobert’s maneuver. We put a cutting board under my low back and tail bone on the bed to give me something to push against and I laid back in a reclining squat position with my knees as far out to the sides as I could get them. Lia used her hands to hold back the lip while I pushed. This is where things start to get fuzzy. I was so tired I was falling asleep between pushes. I kept hearing people saying things like “you are so close! You are so close!” but there I was still pushing away. Joey put Fender up at some point (Lia said he was the best dog she has ever had at a labor, by the way) and I started getting loud. It wasn’t particularly painful to push…it was just so much work. Finally we were past the lip, but then baby was stuck under the pubic bone. Pushing pushing pushing. (Interesting side note here- While I was pushing, Lia discovered I still had part of my hymen! She told me she might have to snip it when the baby came past so that it wouldn’t tear into the surrounding tissue, but when the time came and she grabbed the scissors I asked her not to. There wasn’t any protest. She put the scissors down and instead massaged the area and it broke away on its own.) I was so tired, but what was there to do except get the baby out? Joey was behind me helping to support my legs. A contraction would start, I would tell Lia, she would help make space for the baby’s head under my pubic bone, and I would push until I was sure my eyeballs were going to explode. Joey said my whole body would turn bright red with every push. Finally he was under the bone!  Lia warned me that after a few more pushes, I would need to slow down so my perineum would have time to stretch. I’m so glad she told me ahead of time, because the sensation of that head stretching my body was like nothing in this world. Ring of fire indeed! My instinct was to push as hard as I could and make that sensation end, but Lia reminded me to breathe. The whole time she had been applying warm compresses and olive oil. She told me to reach down and feel the head. I didn’t think I could let go of my legs, but Lia said I needed to help apply pressure to prevent tearing. I reached down and felt a squishy head covered in hair! After a few moments she told me I could start making tiny pushes to crown the baby. This was harder than I thought. I pushed and pushed, and little by  little the head made its way out. I didn’t experience the immediate relief I had hear others describe. Lia told me to reach down and pull my baby up to me with my next push…so I reached down and pushed and pulled and…nothing happened.  I told her I couldn’t do it. Lia said, “of course you can! It’s your baby!” But I tried to explain, no, I really couldn’t! I was trying. Turns out his shoulders were stuck. Sharon came over and they managed to get the shoulders out…so I reached down, grabbed hold of my baby and…still nothing. It took all three of us pulling on him just to get his body out! I had always heard that once the head is born the rest of the baby usually just falls out! Ha, not this kid. But baby was out and Lia helped me get him up on my chest. Sharon put a blanket over him and rubbed his back while I talked to him and within a few seconds he let out squeak then started crying. Apparently Lia had announced the sex when she helped hand him up to me, but I didn’t hear her. I looked under the blanket and it was a boy! I told Joey and started getting Perrin up between my breasts so that he could breast crawl when he was ready.

                This is where things got mildly interesting. Suddenly, Lia was examining the cord (and milking it as much as possible) saying that he had gotten most of the blood and we need to cut it. Now this seemed odd since the midwives and Joey and I are big on delayed clamping. She asked Joey to cut it, but when I looked up at him, he was all glassy eyed staring between my legs and mumbling something about how he couldn’t right now.…I was still pretty out of it, so I didn’t think anything about it when Lia handed me the scissors  to cut it. Then things started happening really fast. Sharon jumped over me onto the bed and started pressing on my stomach. Lia told me to push the placenta out. I pushed and pushed but nothing happened. She kept telling me to “push!” and I was trying and didn’t understand why she seemed upset. Turns out I was hemorrhaging. The placenta not only detached early before my uterus started contracting but hadn’t detached completely. Lia apologized as she injected a shot of Pitocin in my thigh and told me to start gulping down my postpartum tea. I was trying to get the baby to latch, but he wasn’t interested, so Sharon told Joey to start sucking on my nipple to try and stimulate my uterus. Suddenly the baby was being taken off of my chest and handed to Joey and they were pulling me up onto the birth stool. Lia kept asking me to push and finally had to reach up inside me and help the placenta detach. Once it was out the bleeding slowed up considerably and they laid me back down on the bed. I remember telling them how I felt fine and wasn’t dizzy or lightheaded at all. They started checking me over for tears and to make sure the bleeding wasn’t picking back up. No tears, just two small abrasions on my labia but nothing that required stitches. Joey and the baby came back over to me for a while while the midwives cleaned up what looked like a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  They brought me some cheese and crackers to eat and soon told me it was time to try and pee. I couldn’t manage it on the toilet so I asked if I could try in the shower. Lia helped me stand and wash off the blood and I managed to pee enough to ward off a catheter. We got back to bed and Lia brought me eggs and toast while I snuggled with Perrin. He latched on for a few minutes while everyone finished cleaning up. Finally Perrin, Joey and I all snuggled down in bed. Perrin latched on again and nursed for about half an hour until we all fell asleep.

                Perrin Allen Buckman was born at 11:42 p.m., Friday June 14^th in his own home in his parents' bed. He weighed 9 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21.5 inches long with a 14.5 inch head! Even after 78 hours of labor, his APGAR scores were 9/10! I was 39 weeks.

Reflections

                I had mentally prepared myself for a 24 hour labor as a worst case scenario, assuming I’d be closer to the average of 12-15 hours. I had also predicted that afternoon that he would weigh 7lbs. 3 oz.  If someone had told me I would have a 78 hour labor with a 10 pound kid, I would have laughed in their face. It wasn’t the peaceful water birth I had envisioned, but it was perfect. Lia had to be much more hands on than either of us would have preferred, but that’s what it take to get a 10 pound baby out of me I guess! People have asked if I would change anything if I could do it again or if I wished I had been in a hospital or transferred. Big. Fat. No. Nothing was wrong with me or my baby, but if we had been in a hospital they would have cut me open by Wednesday morning. Big baby, small pelvis, failure to progress…you name it. They would have broken my water putting me on a stricter time table, or given me pitocin making my contractions much more painful. Instead, I was allowed to take all the time my body needed. I wasn’t in any kind of excruciating pain. The contractions were uncomfortable, but they didn’t last that long and there were breaks in between. Pushing was hard, but it didn’t hurt. Honestly, crowning was the only truly painful part of the whole experience. The rest of it wasn’t enjoyable, but I could deal. I’m so glad we made the choices that we did and were surrounded by people who trusted my body and my baby to do what they needed to do. I wouldn’t change a thing! 

Sittin', Waitin', Wishin'

     I am now sitting pretty (and puffy) at 38 weeks! We managed to knock out my entire 'nesting' to-do list over last weekend. (Note: I'm not sure it's considered nesting if you enlist non-hormonal people to do half the work, but there was no way I was going to clean out the drain trap on the washing machine or weed eat the yard in 100+ temperatures. No way.) All of the baby stuff is put away nice and tidy. Everything is done! Now we just get to sit back and wait for Raptor to pick his/her birthday, preferably sometime within the next four weeks. I've had several people tell me they think it will be "soon", but I really don't have that same inkling myself and I would like to think I would know, right? So these last weeks are time for me to rest, kick my feet up, chillax....

    Except, not. After having a pretty much symptomless, easy-breezy 8 months of pregnancy, it's starting to get uncomfortable. Not that I'm complaining- I will definitely take a month or two of discomfort over 9 months- but it is a little ironic (don't ya think?) that all of my stress and responsibilities cleared up just in time for my body to decide, "mmmm...yeah, I'm done handling this." Now, it really isn't that bad. I'm nowhere near the "miserable" or "done" feeling that I have heard others describe. Honestly the only thing that is making this last leg seem uncomfortable is being compared to my incredibly wonderful experience thus far. However, I have been accused of making pregnancy look "easy", so lest I be held responsible for a sudden outbreak of pregnancy amongst my friends, I feel the need to be straight about the recent not easy parts. Here are some fun new developments:

- My heartburn has suddenly gotten worse. I'm really glad I avoided Tums as much as possible during the pregnancy, because now there are nights where they are seriously the ONLY thing that helps. I was a little surprised because I read in several places that heartburn gets better in the end as the baby drops and releases pressure on your diaphragm. Of course when I mentioned this to my midwife, her response was "yeah, the heartburn will get better when the baby drops...out of your vagina." Yayness!

- I'm puffy. My hands and feet have been getting puffy since it started to get warm outside and the circumference of my digits is directly related to my temperature and physical exertion. But now my face is starting to get nice and round as well. It's gone from people asking "when are you due?" to taking a step back and exclaiming "Any day now, huh?!". Yeah, any day...or four weeks from now. Thanks a lot, asshat.

- Two words- Lightning. Crotch. Actually, I think it's technically called "lightening crotch" because it is associated with the "lightening" or phase where the baby starts to drop. However, "lightning crotch" is just as accurate and slightly more fun because sometimes Joey gets it wrong and calls it Thunder Crotch. It's this awesome thing where the baby's head (because it's now jammed in your pelvis) starts grinding against all kinds of nerves in there. As a result, you're walking through Target one moment then crumpled over in a ball on the ground or rigidly standing on your tiptoes the next because it feels like someone is stabbing you in the cervix with a steak knife. Fantastic. Now, I'm slightly ticked off about this in particular because it was mentioned NO WHERE in any of the 12 books I read about pregnancy and babies.

- Insomnia. I am very tired and still waiting on that "extra energy" that everyone keeps talking about happens at the end of pregnancy. But I can't sleep. I try everything, fall asleep around 2, then I'm wide awake by 7:30. Sometimes I'm able to nap, but other times it's just as bad during the day. And I do not function well on less than 8 hours. It's not pretty. It may also be related to the fact that Raptor seems to have completely switched schedules and is now pretty much nocturnal. I lay down for the night and suddenly it's a fiesta in there.

-I pretty much had no hormonal/mood issues my first trimester. Joey was ecstatic. We both expected the typical PMS on steroids type of stuff, but it was even keel the whole way through. Apparently I was saving it all up for now. The crying, the panicky feelings, the sadness for no reason what so ever...fun times!

-This one isn't particularly new, but it has gotten worse lately- my T7 and T8 vertebrae are taking a  beating. I always here women complain of their low backs hurting. Not mine. It is square between my shoulder blades. It started bothering me around the beginning of the third trimester, but bi-monthly chiropractic appointments were keeping everything from being painful. Now I'm going to the chiro every other day (yes, literally) and my back is still in knots if I stay in any one position for too long. But I guess 30 extra pounds is a lot to ask my body to handle, so it's not really surprising.

    So there you have it- all the glamour of late pregnancy. Seriously though, it's not that bad and most of the time I'm at a reasonable level of comfort. We've been going to the pool a lot, which feels amazing, and my chiropractor is keeping everything nice and in line. I've been having a lot of Braxton-Hicks and some good practice contractions and baby is still in a good position, so once he/she decides to make a debut, it should be smooth sailing! There is a good chance the next post will be a birth story!

Babies- Apparently Some Preparation Required

      I had big plans for when the semester was over and I would have all this free time to get ready for the baby. Projects I would complete, cleaning, preparing... I made several lists. I had heard about this whole "nesting" bit and I knew once the semester was over I could allow myself to go into full nesting mode. Well, either I'm missing the whole 'nesting' gene, or no one told me that the amount of energy it requires to put on underwear in the morning at almost 9 months pregnant uses up all available desire and will to get anything else done that day. Now this wouldn't be a huge issue if it weren't for the fact that I have accomplished absolutely nothing baby wise all semester, except to accumulate baby stuff that is now filling up my yoga room. Seriously- this picture was taken yesterday.

That is all stuff that needs to be washed, sorted, put away, etc. The only thing I have accomplished is to put some toys in a box on a shelf. 

     Now, I blame this crazy exhaustion for the most part. It's a lot harder to constantly lug around an extra 30 lbs. than one might think. However, I think I also accidentally psyched myself into complacency regarding this whole having a baby thing in terms of time management. If you know me or possibly even ran into me on the street at any point, I'm sure I explained to you the problem with the U.S.'s obsession with due dates. Assuming for a moment that your estimated due date is accurate (which it's most likely not, unless you were charting your menstrual cycles when you got pregnant and your EDD is based on your ovulation day), that date really isn't so much a "due date" as when you are 40 weeks pregnant. It's essentially meaningless. So why is it so important for the doctor to tell you when your 40 weeks date (what I prefer to call it) is? Well, because most babies are born between 38 and 42 weeks, which means your 40 weeks is right smack in the middle. Now, some babies come a little earlier and are perfectly healthy. Some babies come past 42 and are also perfectly healthy (although it is usually recommended to begin regular non-stress tests after 42 weeks to make sure the baby is just taking extra long to cook and not being delayed because of any problems [also note- a diagnoses of cephalopelvic disproportion, macrosomia (big baby) and low amniotic fluid are incredibly inaccurate at this point. If yours and baby's vitals are fine, induction is usually unnecessary]). But for whatever reason, our society seems to demand an exact date to fixate on. Did you know rather than due dates people used to (and in some places still do) refer instead to birth seasons? What REALLY annoys the hell out of me is when people talk about their baby being "late" after the due date. No. "Late" or post-dates, is not until after 42 weeks. Up until that time, you are still "term" and it is perfectly normal, especially for first time moms who tend to go later anyway [what annoys me even more is that every single piece of medical research and literature stresses that being "late" or past 40 weeks is not a medical reason for induction and drastically increases the risk of complications including c-sections and baby spending time in the NICU and yet for some reason doctors still LOVE to induce at 38, 39, and 40 weeks]. And remember- this is all assuming that your 40 weeks date was correct, which isn't likely. So what is the point of me explaining all of this for the umpteenth time? In order to make sure I didn't fall into the trap of fixating on my "due date" and to discourage people from asking me "why is the baby late?", "are you going to get induced soon?", "are you sure everything is okay?!" I have always envisioned this baby coming at 42 weeks. Which led me to plan as if this baby is coming at 42 weeks, which means I still have a little over 6 weeks to get all this stuff done. 

      However, you may have spotted the problem with this plan. While it is entirely possible that I do in fact go all the way to 42, it is also entirely possible that this baby decides to make an appearance sooner. Possibly in 2 weeks. Which means I should probably at least have one clean diaper and blanket ready by then. This realization keeps sneaking up on Joey and I as we plan different things. We've gotten into the habit of saying we have "plenty of time!" before the baby gets here to do A,B, or C, but then we realize that in fact we may have very little time and should probably be at least be semi-prepared. So I started with the most urgent thing first- I purchased all of the birth supplies I will need. I'm now at least equipped to get the baby here. My goal this week is to actually get all the stuff that is in that room squared away. And then hopefully I'll still have some time after that to do some things around the house. I do believe that the mother's psychological preparedness has a lot to do with when a baby is born. The hormonal interplay that starts and sustains labor is incredibly sensitive and the presence of any stressors can delay labor significantly. I'm not sure if procrastination is physiologically recognized as being psychologically unprepared, but maybe it will at least buy me some time? So long story short- if you have any extra "nesting" energy in your psychic stores, feel free to send some my way. Because I have a load of baby clothes to hang on the line, but honestly a nap sounds way more appealing. 

Still here, still pregnant

    I realize (also, Joey just reminded me) that is has been quite a while since I gave an update. That's because for some reason I somehow got it into my head that I have too much time on my hands and volunteered myself for a couple of side projects (you know, other than teaching yoga, working on a PhD, putting in my GA hours and growing a kid). But the semester if finally starting to wrap up, so I figured I better check in.
    Quick side note- the next person who asks me if I'm "sick of being pregnant yet?" is getting at best a crude hand gesture. Why do people ask that question? If the answer was yes, what do you hope to have accomplished by bringing it to my attention? Yep, it sucks and I still have 6-10 more weeks to go! Thanks for reminding me! I have known some women who had some really rough pregnancies. I can't imagine that they a) had forgotten for one second how much they wanted to not be pregnant or b) enjoy hearing you reiterate the idea. I'm guessing a "you are doing such a good job with that baby!" or "he/she is going to be so healthy; you're body is so amazing to be creating something so awesome!" would be much more appreciated and constructive. If in fact the women is looking for a little commiseration, I'm guessing she'll start out the conversation with "oh my God, I'm so sick of being pregnant."
    And sorry to disappoint, but no, I'm not sick of being pregnant. This entire pregnancy has been a cake walk. I would say I love being pregnant, but it feels so normal at this point that it's almost unremarkable. I mean, I guess there are some symptoms or whatever that might bug some people- my feet and hands swell, I get leg cramps, my back aches when I sit for too long, heartburn, and the fact Raptor likes to play my ribs like a xylophone....But none of them really bother me that bad. If something comes up, I deal, and then go about the rest of my day. But I can see how if a person went into pregnancy thinking it was going to be horrible, or had people constantly telling her how horrible their pregnancy was, it might seem like a pain. But no, I figure this is probably one of the most amazing things I'll accomplish in my life, so the little quirks really don't bother me at all and I'm more than happy to keep going until Raptor decides the show is over.
   Which will bring us to the grande finale. That's another question I hear a lot..."are you getting nervous?" or "are you scared?" No way. Not even a little bit. And I'm not making it up. I'm getting a little anxious and excited but only because I want to meet this kid. He/she seems to have a pretty rad personality (seriously, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm looking at my belly or a rabid cat in a pillow case). But I'm also really looking forward to bringing this baby earthside. Once again, it will probably be up there on my list of top stuff I accomplish in this lifetime. My body is going to do some pretty amazing things and I can't wait to feel and experience all of them- even the parts that are uncomfortable.
     So that's all that is really going on now. Just wrapping up school and this whole "creating life" gig. Perhaps I will have more interesting things to say once the semester is officially done?

Required Reading

   I've been going back and forth about whether or not I would like to write a bunch of my own posts about these topics or whether I should just post a bunch of links. Obviously plan B won out. It's not that I'm lazy (not entirely anyway), but I am slightly busy. And while in some cases I may offer a unique perspective, there is really no reason for me to reinvent the wheel here. Most of what I would say has already been said by someone somewhere. So instead, I am providing you with a sampling of readings on topics which I find interesting and important. Before you dive in, there are a couple of quick points I'd like to make.

1. These are not the only sources of this information. We did not base our decisions off a few quirky blogs. I have put in countless (well, about two years worth) hours researching and reading about these topics for my own curiosity, my doula stuff, and planning our life with Raptor. These just happen to be some of my favorites because they sum up the topics well, provide unique insight, and/or have great links and citations for other sources.

2. Seriously, there is a ton of information out there. Go look. For real. Research everything. Look for scholarly peer reviewed sources to back it up. And for godssake, look outside the U.S., ok? European journals are great places to go.

3. Also, most of the blogs I'm pulling stuff from are pretty awesome. Seriously, check them out. They cover a lot of topics and have some really incredible perspectives.

4. Insert usual I'm-not-trying-to-be-preachy/judgmental/whatever-these-are-simply-our-choices disclaimer here.

I'll leave a comment or two for some of the articles as well as an introduction of why the topic is important to us. Otherwise you're on your own. I'll even put them in alphabetical order, all professional like.

Attachment Parenting-

     There is apparently a lot of misunderstanding about what attachment parenting is. It seems that people get caught up in different methods and forget basic point- responding to children in an empathetic and age appropriate way in order to create caring and well adjusted individuals. Anyway, here are some good basic overviews. 

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130107110538.htm

Breastfeeding-

     No explanation necessary.

http://www.cdph.ca.gov/programs/breastfeeding/Documents/MO-BF-Benefits.pdf

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/05/14/50-reasons-for-breastfeeding-anytime-anywhere/

http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/

http://www.lalecheleague.org/release/benefits.html

Circumcision-

     If it's a girl, she won't be circumsized. If it's a boy, he won't be circumsized. Genital integrity, bodily automony, and basic human rights are deserved by everyone. The is no medical justification for routine infant circumcision. Not a single medical organization in the word recommends it. But don't take my work for it, read on. The more you know, the more it turns your stomach. 

This one is probably the least technical, but it is one of my favorites because it is so straight-foward.

http://9davids.blogspot.com/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/11/case-against-circumcision.html

This is another excellent piece. It systematically breaks down the most common misconceptions. This link is just the first of six parts, but the others are linked at the bottom of this one. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201109/myths-about-circumcision-you-likely-believe

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html

Don't like reading? No problem. This video is fantastic. It's about 30 minutes long but totally worth it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ceht-3xu84I

Crying it out-

     There is a ridiculous amount of peer reviewed psychology and sociology research on this subject. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/

Discipline-

     Once again, a ton of research out there on this. Violence begets violence. Period.

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

Infant Sleep-

     In case you are wondering why we don't have a nursery or crib. 

http://www.evolutionaryparenting.com/sleep-a-misguided-and-unhealthy-obsession/

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/familybed.html

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/01/09/cosleeping-benefits/

Whoooaaahhhhhh, We're Half-way There!!!!!!!

   We are half way! I am now 21 weeks. What is that you say? I have been half-way for a week already? Not quite. I hate the idea that 20 weeks if half way, because this is based on the idea of the 40 week "due date" which is ridiculous. The average women goes into labor at 41 weeks and 1 day. The baby isn't past due or "post dates" until after the 42nd week (which is still not a big deal, and don't even get me started on the inaccuracy of due dates). So why did doctors arbitrarily decide that at 40 weeks time is up? I have no idea. But it's not for me. So I am celebrating my halfway point at the more accurate 21 weeks. In commemoration of this event, here are some "highlights" from the past few months.

- The names are now decided. If it is a boy, his name will be Perrin Allen Buckman. If it is a girl, Leila June Buckman. If you are currently pregnant and due before me  and steal our names...I will find you.

- We felt the first movement at about 19 1/2 weeks. I had just gotten out of the bath and felt a really strong thump. I put my hand on my belly and could feel the next one from the outside. Joey and came in and got to feel two more good ones, which we were pretty excited about. We figured there would be a few weeks between me feeling it on the inside and anyone being able to feel it from the outside. Now I can feel him/her wiggle around and kick pretty regularly.

- We got registered for all of our baby stuff which was exciting but also kind of depressing. There is so much junk out there. Who needs half of that crap? Maybe we are just crazy minimalist hippies, but we don't have a lot of space and I don't want to fill our house up with plastic crap we'll never use. But we got all of the essentials and were even able to set up a registry on Amazon so we could include some of our crunchy stuff (yay for placenta encapsulation supplies!).

- I have gained a solid 16 pounds thus far. Joey likes to joke that the baby will be 10 lbs. with a 15 inch head. I don't find this funny.

- I still have one pair of jeans that I can actually button! Other than that, belly bands and yoga pants are life savers. I see the maternity section looming in my near future.

- There are a lot of topics I would like to write about, but this semester is going a little fast, so I might do a post soon with nothing but links to cool resources and posts written by others. Keep an eye out.

- We have nick-named the baby Raptor. This started as a joke. People would ask if we knew what it was, referring to the sex. So under my breath, I would say to Joey "Velociraptor!" which I'm pretty sure I saw on an Ecard somewhere. So we started referring to our unborn child as the velociraptor. But that is a mouth full, so now it's just Raptor. We're creative like that.

- We discovered pretty early on that I have a gestational gluten sensitivity. I was having frequent, persistent migraines throughout the first trimester. The midwife suggested going off of gluten, but it was right before Christmas so.....that wasn't going to happen. However, after having a headache every day of my Christmas break, I decided to go cold turkey with the wheat. And wow, I hardly ever get a bad headache now. And apparently that is not super uncommon, because our birth class instructor is having the same problem.

- Speaking of child birth classes, we started our Bradley classes a few weeks ago. If you aren't familiar with the Bradly method, you should check it out. It is one of the most thorough birthing classes available. Much more useful than those weekend hospital orientations classes.

Other than all that, there is isn't much to report on. It has been a pretty smooth ride. A little heart burn here and there, but other than that and the giant belly, I wouldn't know I was pregnant. Let's hope the second half goes just as smoothly!

Colors Are For Everyone, or "Will it make your penis fall off?"

           
              We realize that intentional gender neutral parenting is probably not very familiar to a lot of our friends and family. However, I have begun to notice that there might be some confusion about what exactly gender neutral parenting looks like. We have heard quite a few comments along the lines of “it’s so hard to shop for gender neutral things” and “it will be so much easier to pick stuff out once the baby gets here”. So the purpose of this post is to clear up any confusion. Feel free to ask questions if anything is still left unclear.

Gender 101

                People regularly misuse the word “gender”. Most of the time they actually mean sex. Sex is a biological category. Your sex is either male or female (or intersexed, in some cases, but we will stick to the basics). Sex is determined by your genitalia and/or chromosomes. You are male because you have a penis, testes, etc. and are XY. You are female because you have a vagina, uterus, etc. and are XX. Gender has nothing to do with biology.

 Gender is a social construction which in most cultures can be viewed as a spectrum ranging from masculine to feminine. By social construction, I mean gender is really not based on anything concrete. It is simply a compilation of attitudes and trends in a given society. Different societies define and value gender differently. For example, in Western civilization (i.e. us), masculinity is generally associated with power and strength while femininity is associated with emotions, communication, and nurturing. Masculinity is valued above femininity. This isn’t because it is the right way or “natural” (remember, there is nothing natural, given, or biological about gender, it is completely constructed), it is just because that is how our particular society developed. Others do things differently.

So we have determined gender is different than sex. Masculine does not equal male. Feminine does not equal female. Males can be masculine or feminine. Females can be masculine or feminine.  A lot of research and study in fields like anthropology and psychology have been conducted over the last 50 years concerning gender and sex. There is no link between the two. There is more variation between masculinity and femininity within sexes (between lots of men or lots women) than there is between the sexes (between men and women). This may seem counterintuitive. After all, when thinking about all the men and women you know, it’s probably easy to say that men do X and women do Y. Boys are rambunctious and girls are sweet. What most people don’t realize is that they are observing gender, not sex. These behaviors are taught and instilled in us by the society we live in (parents decorate the rooms, pick out the clothes, buy the toys- these choices made by the parents shape children’s preferences). We teach boys to be masculine and girls to be feminine. It has nothing to do with natural inclinations. When children are not pushed one way or the other, there is actually no difference between boys and girls.

Gender is not sex. It is also not sexual orientation. Your gender has nothing to do with what other genders or sexes you are attracted to. Masculine men may prefer men or women. Feminine men may prefer men or women. Same for women. So in review, sex is what is between your legs, sexual orientation is what you want to do with it, and gender is a social construction that guides your preferences and behaviors.

                Fun Fact: Prior to the World Wars, blue was actually the color for girls. It was calm and demure. Pink was reserved for boys because it was so robust and bright.

                Something to think about: For most of history, boys and girls were dressed the same (soft colors, ruffles, gowns) for most of their early years. By creating gender differences earlier, companies have expanded their markets.

So what does this have to do with parenting?

                In a lot of respects, children are a blank slate.  Each child is born with its own unique personality which if left alone would guide its behaviors and preferences. That leaves an enormously wide range of potential for emotional expression, interests, and everything else. We want that for our child. We don’t want to shape our child or force any preconceived expectations upon them. We don’t want to push them to do certain things or behave a certain way because it is what is expected of their sex.

                If this sounds weird or radical, just take a second to think about it. I think it comes easier in the context of girls. Thankfully a lot of women have worked very hard over the past century to expand our horizons. Whether my parents did it intentionally or not, I was raised pretty much gender neutral. My nursery was blue, as were a lot of my clothes (the hyper- pink/blue dichotomy is relatively new and in fact, simply a marketing ploy. If you say boys wear blue, girls wear pink, and then only make products in those two colors, you have a 50% chance of your customer needing to re-buy everything the next time around…but I digress). I had dinosaurs, Barbies, ligthsabers, Nerf guns, Polly Pockets, etc. I was never told that “that’s for boys” or I couldn’t do something. My parents didn’t want to limit me. But unfortunately this seems to come more difficultly to parents of boys. The same parents who don’t bat and eyelash at their daughter wearing blue or playing with trucks may flip out when their son tries on a dress or asks to take ballet. Or play with dolls or play kitchen. Because God forbid your son grow up to be…you know…a dad or know how to make a sandwich.

                The goal of gender neutral parenting is to remove these barriers so that the child can be led by their own personality. Gender neutral parenting isn’t about avoiding blue or pink and only buying yellow and green. Gender neutral does not mean androgynous. It has nothing to do with the actual objects/choices involved. It has everything to do with creating an open attitude about the fact that gender and sex are not equal and dichotomous and therefore allowing your child to develop his or her own gender regardless of their sex.  Gender neutral parenting is about all the colors (colors are for everybody). Gender neutral parenting is about providing blue AND pink, and all the other colors, as well as all types of toys, hobbies, and interest then following the child’s lead as to what he or she likes. Everything is gender neutral.

If this is still confusing, here are some helpful questions to ask yourself when trying to determine whether or not something is gender neutral (appropriate for both sexes):

-       -Does this object/clothing/hobby require a penis/vagina/other sexual organs to use appropriately?

If the answer is yes (an athletic cup perhaps?), then you might take the child’s sex into account. 

If the answer is no (toys, dolls, music, colors, extracurricular activities, etc.) it doesn’t matter and can be used by both sexes.

-    -Will this object/clothing/hobby cause the penis/vagina/ other sexual organs to shrivel, rot or fall off? If the answer is yes…well that just sounds dangerous and I’m not sure I can recommend that choice for anyone.

If the answer is no, congratulations! It’s gender neutral.

Ways you probably gender children without realizing it

                Maybe this doesn’t seem crazy to you. Maybe this seems pretty simple. But regardless, we all have a tendency to gender children and most of the time we don’t even realize it.

                We call girls with masculine traits “tom boys” and use other similar terms. Girls are just girls. They like all kinds of different things. Same for boys. Just because a child doesn’t like something that we associate with their sex or likes something different doesn’t mean they are abnormal or need  be labeled.

                We call things “girl stuff” or “boy stuff”. If a girl likes action figures, by definition they can be girl things. If a boy likes dolls, they are boy things. But let’s just make it simple. Toys, colors, etc. are for everybody that likes them. End of story.

                We steer our boys towards the blue side of the store and girls towards the pink side. Heck, we don’t even question why stores have two sides in the first place.

                When a child does something stereotypically associated with their sex, we say “oh, he’s all boy” or “she’s such a girly-girl.”

                I can go on forever. The point is, these subtle words and attitudes shape how we treat each other and how our children view themselves. The point of gender neutral parenting is to become aware of these things so that we can give our children room to develop to their full potential.

Questions and Concerns

This has been a pretty basic overview of the concept and gender in general. By all means, seek out more information. I have included some great links at the bottom of this post. But in closing, I will bring up a few common (or at least common to me) responses or questions about gender neutral parenting.

-Won’t that make your child gay? (As if this that is the worst thing that could ever happen) We have already determined gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

-Will that create an identity crisis? My question to that is, is your identity really that tied up in your gender? By taking the focus off of gender, you are allowing your children to develop themselves in other ways, maybe even discover something about themselves they would have otherwise been kept from.

-If this is how things are, doesn’t that make it right? There are many things that were once the status quo (slavery?). That doesn’t make them right. Isn’t it everyone’s hope for the children that they have more opportunities and a better world than the generation before them?

-You’re just asking for your kid to get bullied. This is one of my pet peeves, because I hear this statement in response to a lot of things. This is straight up victim blaming. If my kid gets bullied, it’s his fault for XY or Z or my fault for allowing him to do it. Newsflash- it is not my kid’s job (or my job) to make my kid bully-proof. If my child has big ears, should he get plastic surgery? What about a speech impediment? I understand that these aren’t choices, but the implications are still the same. No, it is YOUR (a general “your”, nothing personal) job to not be an asshole. Will my kid encounter general meanness in his or her life? Of course. But that doesn’t mean he/she has to accept it or that the onus is on them to prevent it. They can do everything in their power to make themselves as socially acceptable as possible and people will still be jerks.

-How will they learn their role in society? I would love to think that we are the sole influence on our children (well, maybe, that's probably actually a little scary and too much power), but I know that is not the case. We get a pretty important role in the early years, but by two years old, children's peer relationships begin to take an increasingly important role in their lives in proportion to caregivers. Society will get to our children, I promise. They will go to school. They will meet strangers in stores. They will be exposed to media and commercialism. The idea is not to prevent these things entirely. The idea is to give our kids a safe place in our home to go against these things if that is their desire and to give some balance to the messages they will receive.

                In conclusion, if it won’t make your penis or vagina fall off, it’s fine to buy for our kids no matter what their sex. They will have all types of colors, clothing styles, and toys so that they can decide what they like. So next time you hesitate getting something for a child, just remember- everything is gender neutral and colors are for everybody.

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2012/05/27/4-ways-parents-can-help-break-down-societys-gender-assumptions//

http://www.theconnectedmom.com/2012/02/raising-pink-boy_16.html

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/let-him-play-with-dolls/