If you're a teenage girl in about 13 years...

  In case  you missed it, this post has been floating around the interwebs: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/

 I think it sucks. So here is my version.

    I have some information that is probably of no interest to you, because you are busy living your own life. But just in case you are unusually bored today and have nothing better to do, I will continue.  My son is only 12 weeks old and not really that in to social media at this point in time, but let’s pretend he is almost grown and really into Facebook, or whatever you youngsters are into nowadays.

   It has come to my attention that some families sit around the dinner table passing around their I Phone (version 20s, I suppose). This seems fairly odd to me, but I suppose this may be a normal occurrence once I have an adolescent boy. Whatever. But let’s say we were doing this and for whatever reason decided to internet stalk young girls…

  We noticed you weren’t wearing a bra. Don’t you love that feeling of freedom? My favorite thing to do at the end of the day is to take off my bra.  Or sometimes not because I was never wearing one to begin with. It just depends. My son may or may not have noticed. He probably wouldn’t feel the need to comment on it anyway because, crazy story, he has nipples too! And he knows what breasts are. He spent the first few years of his life attached to mine. He knows what they are for and that they do amazing things to feed young people. He knows they are part of the body and the body is beautiful in its myriad of shapes and forms. He also knows that people, him included, can wear whatever the hell they want and it says nothing about them other than that is what they felt like wearing that day.

  We also noticed that you were posing a certain way. Far be it from me to assume your intentions, and it really is none of my business. But if for some reason you were trying to be sexy, I want you to know that it is okay and perfectly normal. You are entering a time in your life when you are exploring your new-found sexuality. I hope you have had mentors in your life that have taught you how to do this in a healthy and age appropriate way and I hope you enjoy this new aspect of your life. I hope this for my son, too.

  So, please understand that we don’t intend to make a habit of stalking you on Facebook, because let’s face it- that’s kind of creepy. Unless of course you decide to friend  me or something, which would make me feel hip and kind of cool again. And know that whatever interaction you have with my son in private will remain private unless he decides to share them with me. Because he is his own person and I trust him and  the fact that he has a Facebook demonstrates that I think he is mature enough to handle it.

  You posts reflect the part of you that you want to share with people and all of those facets of yourself wonderful. They do not retract at all from any other aspect of yourself- intelligence, beauty, and kindness.

  But here is the bummer- some people may judge you. They may tell you that you don’t have the right to be yourself. That there is something shameful about your body or that you are somehow responsible for how their children react you. They may even have the audacity to post a picture of their half-naked son in the same post as they are telling you to put some clothes on.  I just want you to know that it’s bullshit. They are hypocritical, judgmental, and misogynist. You are only responsible for you.

  So wear whatever you want and do whatever you want. My son will decide if he would like to be friends with you based on your character, not your profile picture. And if he does treat you like an object, please let me know because I raised him better.

  This may sound odd, but you see- in our family we respect each other as unique individuals who have control over their own bodies. If my son decides to linger over your picture, that is his choice and if I for some reason have a problem with that, I will hold him accountable, not you.

  I spend time thinking about who my boy will love, and I don’t assume that person will have a vagina. I only hope that the person will love him and encourage him in life, and that my son will love this person for their heart and not how they choose to dress themselves. In the meantime, I hope he also gets the chance to explore his own sexuality and grow as a person and not feel wrong or dirty or dishonorable for acknowledging his real emotions.

   If you decide to dress differently or act differently- don’t be afraid to try new things. Just make sure you are doing it for yourself and not to fit into any predetermined labels seeking to ascertain your worth. You can’t control other people’s imaginations.

  There are plenty of people out there who love you for exactly who you are.

   Just be yourself.

Love,

Roxanne

  

The Low Bar of Fatherhood

   This post will probably be all over the place and slightly incoherent simply because there are so many related topics all wound up together that I'm not sure how to cover everything in an orderly fashion.
   Let's begin with the basics. Patriarchy sucks. And one of the most poignant examples of the insidious nature of patriarchy is the often heard statement "I'm not a feminist because I like men/don't hate men/don't think women are better than men, etc." This perpetrates a straw-person version of feminism that undermines and delegitimizes the actual idea. Are there some self-proclaimed feminists that think men are scum? Yeah, of course. There are also non-feminists who think men are scum. That's like saying because there are some self-identified Christians that are also racist bigots, all Christians are racist bigots or being a racist bigot is an integral part of Christianity. At the end of the day, feminism is about equality for both genders- women AND men. Feminism is as important for masculinity as it is for femininity. So, with that being established, being a parent has definitely made certain aspects of our patriarchal system more apparent. There is the obvious restriction of women's birth and reproductive rights as well as the restrictive and hypergendered views of motherhood. But what is also interesting is the way in which fathers get screwed.
   There are two basic depictions of fatherhood in our culture. We'll call them "Superdad" and "The Blithering Idiot". Superdad is the man who, despite having a penis, still makes a decent parent. And apparently this is noteworthy. This is the idea behind "mom porn" which is generally depictions of attractive male celebrities taking part in childrearing activities like babywearing. Or why our Mom Parent and Baby group leader nearly fell over herself trying to tell Joey how glad she was to have him (the only male) there. Seriously, the group description says "open to fathers" but they call it Mom and Baby? This depiction of father's idolizes men for being parents. Now, I'm not hating on fathers. Being a parent is incredibly hard and deserves recognition- much more than it currently gets. But that is the problem- this isn't about parenting, it's about fathering. A woman doing any of these things goes completely under the radar, because of course a woman takes care of her child (even though there are plenty who don't). But a father taking care of his child apparently deserves a medal. Once again, I'm not hating on dads. They deserve all the praise they get. The point is, so do mothers. There is something odd when a dad taking care of his kid is referred to as "babysitting". Or when single fathers are idolized as martyrs while single mothers are labeled as irresponsible welfare queens. As well intentioned as the "Superdad" idea may seem, when we really get down to it, it's incredibly insulting. Imagine if at your work place, every time you attended a mandatory staff meeting, your boss singled you out and congratulated you on making it to the meeting and how proud he was that you made it there and were present. You'd feel like an idiot, am I right? Like somehow it was extraordinary that you were able to find your way out of your own cubicle. That's kind of what we are saying when we act like dads walk on water for doing what mom's do every. single. day. without mention.
   Which brings us to the blithering idiot. This is more obvious. This is the punch line of countless sitcoms. The mom goes on vacation, or to a friends house, and everything falls apart without her there and the whole is episode is a mad scramble to fix everything before she returns. Or this Huggies commercial that claims dads are the ultimate test of ineptitude. Or this car commercial that claims the first role fathers play in pregnancy, birth, and infanthood is buckling the kid in the friggin' careseat. Not only are dads completely incapable of caring for their children, but it's not seen as bad. It's hilarious, because what did you think would happen? Obviously only people with vaginas are capable of raising kids!
   Then of course, there is the melding of these two. We'll call it the Super-idiot. Think Three Men and a Baby, Mrs. Doubtfire, Big Daddy. The male character starts out as any penis-baring individual would- completely clueless when it comes to children and domestic work. But over the course of the overused plot line, he endures some kind of transformation where it turns out he actual is a good dad...better than good...he's a great dad! Because A) he still has a penis, and B) the child(ren) are still breathing. Those are apparently the only qualifications. Now, we can go deeper with these plotlines and make some connections to the journey that every parent faces as they set aside their selfish, youthful ways for the good of the child and their family and come through a process of growth and self-reflection. But once again, these are rarely stories of parenthood. It is almost always fathers who are depicted. Because women as capable mothers is apparently a given.
  So all in all, we are left with some troubling repercussions for all parents and for families in general. These ideas lead to:

• De facto custody for mothers over fathers
• Pretty much non-existent paternity leave in the wake of already crappy maternity policies
• Social and professional stigma for those who do take paternity leave
• A complete disregard for non-traditional families, such as same sex couples. 
• A lack of support for struggling mothers (because they are supposed to just pick it up "naturally")
• A lack of support for struggling fathers (because everyone assumes they aren't really involved)
• Societal acceptance of poor fathering
• Societal apathy towards good mothering
• Child-related services aimed at mothers (Mom & Baby classes, Mother's Day Out, etc.) at the risk of excluding involved and present parents who happen to have a penis.

    And it sucks, because this creates an environment that perpetuates these ideas whether the individuals want to or not. Like dads who would LOVE to stay home with the newborn, but can't because their workplace doesn't offer leave. And in turn, these ideas are being passed down to the next generation, because the children are observing the fact that dad goes to work and mom takes them to the park. Luckily, some aspects of this are getting better. But as long as the "Superdad" and "Blithering Idiot" figures are go-to characters in our culture and media, it's going to be really hard to represent the "Father" figure.